I don’t usually write anything on here, but I have something to say that I think is important. I was going to write down my incessant ramblings in a journal, but 1) typing is easier and much more enjoyable for a lazy person, and 2) I’m trying to utilize this site in more ways. I’m sure no one will read this, and that’s perfectly fine with me, but if you do, know that I appreciate you.
It’s my 21st birthday today and I’m not doing much right now. I’m in Starkville, Mississippi attending summer school, my boyfriend, Cade, works in the afternoons, and all my friends are at home in different cities. At first, I felt a little sorry for myself, being that I’m used to spending my birthday with my family. This year is a little different. It’s the first year I’ve spent my birthday away from my mom, which is weird and makes me feel grown-up, as childish as that sounds. Again, I felt a little sad and sorry for myself when I thought about this fact. Homesickness, I suppose. Nostalgia. I quickly got over that though, as I realized how negative those thoughts were. I’m spending this afternoon by myself, watching TV and lying in bed, and I’m okay with it. I have amazing family and friends who have been sending me love all day, and a boyfriend who is wonderful to me. I miss my dad and I wish he was here to watch me grow up. I’ll always miss him. I’ll always wish he was here to witness the milestones in my life and be the dad that I need. But I know I can’t let myself fall into the sadness that brings, and that I have to remember that he loves me, and that he’d be proud of me if he was here.
Today, on my 21st birthday, I’m choosing to remind myself of the blessings in my life, and the people who ARE here. I have a tendency to be negative and get caught up in my head. But as I remove myself from myself, and look in from the outside, I can see how much I have to be happy about. I’m so thankful for Cade, the person who’s spending this day with me, and making it more special than I deserve. I think I take people for granted sometimes and don’t give them enough credit. He makes me laugh, which is more than enough. It’s everything. I thank God for him and the happiness he brings into my days. Even though I can’t be with my family today, I can be with him, and I’d say that’s pretty close.
If you do not trust someone, you do not have the capability to love them to the best of your ability, because what is it to love someone you don’t trust? Nothing. You would constantly be questioning yourself and them and their actions and that is not the definition of love. Love is knowing someone completely, and not having to doubt anything or be misled or question anything in them, because you love them.
You cannot love someone without trusting them for the same reasons. If you love them, you trust them with your heart and mind and soul, because that is what you give them by loving them. You are trusting them to care for you and not break your heart, and if you cannot trust them enough to do so, then you do not love them.”